I Cried During Fixer Upper
It was a couple of months ago and it was nap time. I was sitting on the living room floor trying to put the most difficult tricycle together for Anniston. I was also catching up on the latest Fixer Upper episode from the night before. It was all fun and games until halfway through the episode I had tears streaming down my face.
I, like the rest of the world, am obsessed with Chip and Joanna Gaines. I think everything they do turns to gold and I was so sad to hear the show was ending. But don't worry, that's not why I was crying.
I was introduced to Fixer Upper in the summer of 2015 by my dad and I quickly fell in love with the show. My dad and I started watching it constantly and it became our "thing". This was also the summer my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I spent a great deal of time with him as he went through treatment and Fixer Upper was one of our escapes during that time.
My dad loved joking throughout the show about all the shiplap and the curtains that dragged on the floor. He made fun of all the rustic touches while he knew I hung on every word Joanna said. It seems small and silly, but I will never forget those months of Fixer Upper marathons and crying laughing at all the crazy comments my dad had.
As the summer came to a close my dad passed away. It was sudden and it was heartbreaking and not a day goes by where I don't miss him and want to talk to him. Loss is hard. It's painful and it never really goes away. But that doesn't mean there isn't beauty in it either.
I have found that grief comes in waves. I have moments where I miss my dad terribly and other moments where I can smile when thinking about him. The trouble is, you just never know when those heart wrenching moments are going to hit. That is where I found myself when watching Fixer Upper a few weeks back. Nothing especially crazy happened. I started laughing at something and thought "I have got to tell my dad about that". And then just like that I felt like I had been punched and couldn't breathe all in the same moment. I was in tears without even realizing it and they just wouldn't stop.
If this had happened in the months following his death I probably would have just curled up into the fetal position and been there the rest of the night. But thankfully just as quickly as grief can come, joy can come too. I soon started dying laughing (all while crying... it's looney tunes over here people) thinking about the hard time my dad would give me if he saw me. He was as sarcastic as it comes and he would have definitely made a few jabs at my hysterics. It's crazy, but this thought is what brought a smile to my face.
“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”
These verses bring me peace as I know there is a season for everything. There is a time to weep, BUT thank GOD there is also a time to laugh! There is a time to mourn, but thank goodness we will also have a time to dance! I have experienced heartbreaking loss, but I have also been blessed with too many gifts to count. The one thing we can cling to is that the Lord is GOOD no matter the season.
As I think back on my dad I will have times that hurt so much it almost feels physically painful, but I will also have sweet times of joy thinking back on the precious memories we shared. So I will continue to be the mess, sitting on the floor, crying and laughing during a Fixer Upper episode. It's okay to be sad. But it's also ok to smile! Don't forget that, friends!
