IN PROCESS
When Anniston was eighteen months old we were on our normal driving route to the grocery store when we both noticed this huge (like small hill) pile of dirt on what used to be a piece of flat land. You could tell by the large pile of dirt that they were getting ready to build something. Anniston quickly pointed it out every time we drove by saying, “Big dirt! Big dirt!” We passed it a lot and I would explain that they were preparing to build something and that it was under construction. Within a month she started saying, “big dirt! under construction!” I remember this vividly because in my head I was like “wow, my eighteen month old can say ‘construction”. She must be a genius”. (seriously haha)
These moments are engraved in my memory because it was the first time Anniston and I started having real(ish) conversations as we drove by this spot multiple times a week. We’ve been watching this house go up for two years. Anniston is now three and a half and never stops talking and I have another eighteen month old in tow. Two years later and it’s still not even close to done, but even from the side of the road you can see the intricate details that have been added over time. We talk about the progress they’ve made every time we pass it, but it’s still not done. It’s under construction. It’s in process.
It’s my first blog post of 2020 and that’s pretty embarrassing in itself. When I think of 2020 so far I think of “in process”. Or we could just say the whole year of 2020 is under construction ha. We may not be able to agree on much this year, but I do think we can agree its been a whirlwind. Between Covid-19, living in quarantine, racism, and riots… it’s been a lot to say the least. I can’t say I have loved every moment of this year (quarantine with two toddlers is no joke), but it has taught so much that I never want to forget. I’m not saying I have the answers because spoiler alert, I don’t. But I would say I am “in process” in who I am, what I believe, and what I think and that is okay. Actually, I think it’s more than okay. It might just be good.
I think when we go into things assuming we have it all figured out, we don’t leave much room for God to lead. When we have a superior complex about certain things, it is difficult for Him to mold and teach us. When we are constantly shouting our own opinions, it is difficult to hear His voice and all we have to learn. But when we are humble and come before Him saying we don’t have it all together and we need His guidance, grace, and love, that is when we see change and growth. That is when we are in the process of becoming the person He has called us to be.
I’ll be the first to say I don’t always live in this humble posture, but I want to. And through all the chaos of this year, I have found it is best to be in this position. It’s better to keep learning. It’s good to be in process.
I am in process of being a supportive and encouraging wife. One that listens and serves first.
I am in process of being a patient and engaged mom. One that gives grace freely.
I am in process of learning how to respect those around me that have different views than me.
I am in process of learning about how racism still exists and how to contribute in ending it.
I am in process of searching my own heart for any traces of racism.
I am in process of being a good friend, mentor, disciple, daughter, and so on.
Your life and the path you are navigating will look different, but I think we can agree we all have room to grow. I don’t have everything figured out my end, but the good news is, God doesn’t call us to have the answers. He calls us to be faithful. He calls us to be loyal and steady in seeking His Word and His heart in all we do. It is there that we find the way to love others well. It is there that we make ourselves look more like Jesus. It is there that become who we were called to be while, you guessed it, in process. I’ve been watching a house grow with my toddler for over two years and it’s still not done. And I’m not done either.
Psalm 119 is the longest psalm and chapter in the Bible. It is full of little nuggets of gold when it comes to approaching God’s Word and in turn becoming more like the Father. One part that sticks out to me in particular is the very end. The writer calls out to the Lord for the type of follower he wants to be. I want these words to be my own. I want my heart to echo this cry. I want to be faithful to the One who gave me life and from Him find my way in this world. I want to continue being in process.
“May my cry come before you, Lord;
give me understanding according to your word.
May my supplication come before you;
deliver me according to your promise.
May my lips overflow with praise,
for you teach me your decrees.
May my tongue sing of your word,
for all your commands are righteous.
May your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, Lord,
and your law gives me delight.
Let me live that I may praise you,
and may your laws sustain me.
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant,
for I have not forgotten your commands.”