IDENTITY

Hi, my name is Courtney and I constantly struggle with living in an achievement mindset. Whew. First step is admittance, right? For as long as I can remember I have fought the natural urge to find my identity in my performance. For all my enneagram friends out there, yes, I am in fact a three.

When I’m “healthy”, then being this way is great! I give my all and strive to meet my goals all while not letting them define me. But when I’m “unhealthy”… that’s a different story.

It was always easy to see this side of me coming out when I was a student or a teacher, but it has snuck up on me in my new role as “Mommy”. I don’t think I would consciously say I let my new “work” (my children ha) define me, but I have found that when I get to my breaking point, that is exactly what I have let happen.

I love my children and am that absolute biased mom that thinks they basically walk on water. They’re perfect! Ya know, until they’re not. And then let’s just call them “coo coo” to put it nicely. So my precious, but coo coo, children were having a very “interesting” week last week and let me tell ya, mama was on the edge. Yes they were being needy and misbehaving, but I couldn’t figure out why it was messing with me so much.

Then it hit me: (while on a run, where I do my best soul searching because ya know, it’s the only quiet mama is going to get right now) I let my children’s performance define my performance.

In short, two toddlers and there ever changing behaviors are defining my identity. That’s scary.

If you’re a fellow mom out there, you might understand me completely. If you’re not in that season, maybe it’s grades, status, or a career. You might not struggle with performance defining you (I’m envious!), but chances are there is probably something that has wanted to steal your worth and you’ve been fighting it off most of your life too.

So what’s the answer?

Well if you know me at all then you know I’m going to point you to Jesus. But where do we even begin? Just like I started this post, I started off with admitting it. I came home from my run and shared my epiphany with my husband (who basically laughed because he already knew this) and then shared it with my closest friends. It felt good to get it in the open and then get some accountability with it.

But next, you have to go to Jesus. You have to go to the one that created you and is your perfect identity. My husband said it best in one of his recent sermons:

Most of all, it’s an identity issue. People are feeling like they have to earn and achieve who they become and it creates a pressure that no one can stand under. Here’s what’s great about following Jesus: It’s the only identity there is that is received, not achieved. Jesus says, “you can rest” because you already are who you’re trying to become. You already are a child of God. Would you come take your seat at the table, and just believe that I’ve accomplished that on your behalf because it’s done.

-Miles Fidell, Pastor, Auburn Community Church (full sermon here)

I don’t have to perform a certain way to find my identity because there is never anything I could do to achieve it. Instead, Jesus gives it freely. He gives us a seat at His table and calls us His children without any questions asked.

So whatever it is for you: status, job, friendships, grades, “likes”, your own children. Let it go. Those can all be good things, but they do not get to have a power over you anymore. Jesus gets that power alone.

I love my children. But whether they’re being the perfect little angels I know they are or those coo coo kiddos that took over last week, they don’t define my worth as a mom. Their behavior does not dictate my performance. I am a child of God. And from that truth and through that acceptance, I get to be a better mom too.

I urge you to take a moment to look within today and find what it is that wants to steal your identity. Acknowledge it and do what you have to do to get rid of it. Find that accountability to hold you to it. Go to Jesus and accept that perfect love and grace that desperately wants to take up root inside of you. Believe you’re a child of God and then live like it!